I'm... Anxious

While I do wish I wouldn't worry about every detail of my life, I will say that if I wasn't such a worrisome woman, I wouldn't lean on Christ as much as I do.

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Now, I know I'm not the only one that deals with anxiety on the daily. And there's no denying that others have it way worse than I. But just as a quick side note of encouragement, I've learned that it's crucial to growth to not invalidate your feelings just because you may not "have it as bad as others" (in anything).

But anyways! Here's the story...

Growing up I was the cry baby. I worried that I would die if I got a cut, that watermelons would grow in my belly if I ate the seeds, I worried that bad people would get me if I didn't sleep completely covered under my blankets (which, thanks to the internet, I've learned I'm not alone on that!), and as I grew older I worried that if a boy even touched my belly that I would get pregnant, and now I worry about things like my veins looking too prominent... you get the hint. I was (and still am) over dramatic with my thoughts, naive to how the world worked, and would let things bottle up inside my head until it would boil over in tears of worry (now I just self diagnose on WebMD... which according to my research on that site, I should have died 20 times already lolz).

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Fast forward to 6th grade. This was a tough year. Obviously at this age my hormones are going crazy, I'm growing in all aspects in life, and well let's be honest- life is confusing and tough to wrap your head around. I was having trouble with friends, my image, and my faith. There was just a lot going on. Despite all of that, as my birthday came around I was excited for it! Sometime in the week before my birthday I was watching the CMA's (back when I loved country!) and Carrie Underwood's song "So Small" came on, and so did its video. In summary, the song is about life battles and how most of the time our biggest problems end up only being "a grain of sand" once we conquer them... so essentially 'don't give up, because you can overcome'. The part of the video that stood out to me most was this young girl who was so depressed that she attempted suicide. That, for my 6th grade brain, was too much to handle. I took on that emotion. When my birthday came, I went in my room and sobbed. I hid it from my parents because I didn't want them to know what I was feeling, or thinking. I remember praying to God, "if this is your will, that I take my own life, let it be... but please take away these feelings." Eventually I couldn't sleep to the point where I thought I would somehow hurt myself in the middle of the night in my sleep. I knew, even then, that it all sounded absurd, and I knew deep down I could never actually go through with it, nor that God would actually make that the will for my life... but my brain was playing tricks on me. I got extremely depressed and I was scared to even open my eyes in fear that I would give myself a reason to do it.

I broke down and called my parents in my room before I went to bed one night. Stumbling through my words I said something along the lines of, "I feel so sad, I'm scared I'm going to hurt myself." My parents were genuinely concerned and they did not discredit or belittle my feelings, and they also reasoned with me. My mom said, "it's normal for your emotions to run crazy, you're at an age when everything is changing, just know that you're going to be okay and we're here for you." She told me her sister also cried on her birthday once because the thought of turning another year older and not being able to slow life down. My parents suggested, and eventually brought me to our pastor at the church I grew up in. It was a tough meeting because I was a basket case of emotions. But I left feeling reassured that God has me in His hands and that my life is worth living. Unfortunately it wasn't an overnight fix. For months I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to hold knives, scissors, or anything remotely weapon-like. I also felt guilty for making people worry about me. Eventually, through prayer, getting enough exercise, sleep, and scripture, I came out of it. It was the toughest emotional year of my life, but it has provided me with a foundation for the rest of my life- to lean on God, His word, His grace, His faithfulness, and those that love me.

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I still deal with anxiety to this day.

Honestly, I sort of lived in a state of denial that I live with anxiety for a long time, because if you know me, you know I'm a generally all-around happy, positive, person. So how could I be someone with anxiety? I didn't believe it was possible. But it is. It's not crippling to the point where I lock myself in the room or hyperventilate. But it's nail biting, fast heart beats that occur even when completely standing still, it's jaw clenching day and night, it's the queasy feeling in public places, it's making excuses to not go somewhere with people, it's looking in the mirror and not liking the 15th outfit I've tried on, and so much more. I didn't realize what these experiences were until I learned that this was a less severe, but certainty not less real, form of anxiety. Once I accepted the fact that I deal with this, I was able to give it to God. After all, what other option was there? To just keep worrying about it?

In the Bible there are many times God teaches us to lean on Him, and to not worry. In my head its like, "yeah that's great but how... doesn't God know I'm terrified to start school in September because I'm nervous to meet new people? How can I not worry?" That's where faith and grace come in. Through the years I've learned that I will most likely never not worry, that is until I am with the Lord in Heaven for eternity! But I've also learned that giving my worries to God is not burdening Him with your issues, rather He wants us to do that so that we can lean on Him for our strength. So, how?

That part I'm still working on, but what I've been trying to do is to remember God's promises and to pray. My prayer life is NO WHERE near where it should be. I get so distracted with just about everything in life, so I easily neglect praying to God. However, prayer has provided me comfort, and answers (even when the answer isn't what I like). I'm the type of anxious that will lay in bed and replay everything in my life from the past, and make up unrealistic scenarios for the future. The way I cut into that habit is to literally pray myself to sleep. I simply talk to God about everything. Eventually, I wake up in the morning not even realizing when I fell asleep or where in my prayer that I dozed off. It feels like a blanket of comfort on my restless brain when I use my privilege to speak to God. I know I need to do better in remembering to use that given privilege; that I can pray to Him all day and all night without ceasing. This also goes for reading the Bible. Reading God's Word is how we learn more about Him, and how we draw closer to Him. It is the source of our power and hope. So, along with prayer, studying the Bible is another anxiety & overall life treatment that I need to utilize every day.

Remembering His promises is another way that I've been able to treat my anxiety. Instead of focusing on the problems, I intentionally flip the switch on my brain from "this moment in my life is stressing me out" to "God chose me as His own, and nothing in the universe can change that" among many other empowering promises. Below I am going to plug in some of the verses that helped me way back in 6th grade, all the way till today.

In closing... being a follower of Christ, to many, sounds restricting and archaic. But, reading the Bible you will see how it all relates to us today. Years have changed, but sin and people haven't. Following Christ breaks you free from the bondage of sin; which I know looks enticing (sin), but always ends in destruction. Following Christ gives you a freedom that is literally indescribable, a hope and peace that is so supernatural it's undeniable. Being able to hold onto His power, love, and promises through stressful, scary, and destructive times, so much so that He tells us to live without worry because He holds our life now, and our eternity is such a blessing that I hope all will experience. It just takes us swallowing our pride, asking for His help, and putting our faith in Him and what He has done for us.

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Verses for encouragement

"In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety."

Psalm 4:8

"...but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:31

"I sought the LORD, and he

answered me; he delivered me

from all my fears."

Psalm 34:4

"Do not be anxious about anything,

but in every situation,

by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,

present your requests to God.

And the peace of God, which transcends

all understanding, will guard your hearts

and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7

"The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil,

for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."

Psalm 23

"But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,

whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that

sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

Jeremiah 17:7-8

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There are so many more I could post, but I think finding them for yourself by reading through the Bible would be so much more satisfying! God knows what you need, and when you dive into His word He will show you what you need. If you need a starting point, start in Psalm. It is chock full of praises to God and His trustworthiness. Let Him speak to you and encourage you. You are not alone.