2020; Peace & Hope

Hello writing! It has been a while, like a year!

The reason I’ve been absent? Well, if I say 2020, will you understand?

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..."The peace that God gives surpasses all of the earthly worries."

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Well, it’s the last month of 2020. We are almost at its end. Not that 2021 is going to be a noticeably different year, but it’s nice to say that the year that has rocked us all is coming to a close.

Though we are uncertain of our future, it is a little bit of relief we are so close to the new year; and I don't know about you but I am ready to never hear the phrase "in these uncertain times..." ever again!

That’s the thing, however, that I want to address. The uncertainty of life.

I am an anxious, overthinking, perfectionist, with the attention span of a squirrel. And being an anxious Christian, well, it’s weird.

The Bible teaches us to not be anxious about anything but to cast our worries on Him, and to live with thanksgiving and contentment in Him. Which, yes! That’s so helpful, so useful, and so needed. It’s amazing to know I have a personable God who wants to bear my burdens so I can focus on His love for me & doing kingdom work. How cool! But then there’s the little part of, you know, being human. Having anxious thoughts, nail biting, foot tapping, zoning out, hearts racing, clenched jaws, mental breakdowns, fear, crying, relapses, trauma, the list goes on.

If 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that we are tightly strung people who want and need peace & hope to keep pushing on. I am blessed to have a peace & hope that this world can NEVER supply, but how? If I’m anxious, how can I also be peaceful? Well, keep reading...

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In this post, I want to share two experiences that I’ve had in my life that have shown me God’s love for me. Two small examples of how the worries of this world can be crushed by God’s hand. I hope that this encourages you to trust Him again, or to trust Him for the first time in your life and to fully put your faith in Jesus. For He is the one and only way to our Heavenly Father, to eternal peace, to hope in this fallen, uncertain world...

First experience:

In high school, I believe my sophomore year, I felt a lump on my right breast. To be honest it still hurts all these years later. At the time I was no more than 16 years old. I had to go to a few doctor’s offices, to an ultrasound, to a biopsy, to waiting for results; something I never expected as a healthy high schooler. I vividly remember after having my biopsy done, my parents and I were driving away and my dad looked in the rear view and said, “are you okay? You seem... pretty calm?” And I remember saying, “yeah, I mean I cried during the biopsy, I wasn’t expecting that kind of pain, but I know that whatever happens, it’s okay.” I still remember my dads face after I said that, his expression was silently telling me that he knew what I meant when I said that- that God was in control no matter the outcome.

I knew that if the test came back malignant, it was going to be okay, if it was benign, it was okay. Either way, I did not need to fear.

Daily I worry about silly things, like today for example, I have a painful pimple around my nostril that I can’t see, can’t feel, but it hurts. In my head I’m thinking, ‘this is how I die. It’s an infection and it’s going to spread and I’m going to die.’ Very dramatic, I know, but that’s just how my brain functions. HOWEVER, even though my brain torments me like that, I know deep down, I’m going to be okay, even if my worried prove to be true.

The peace that God gives surpasses all of the earthly worries. It’s incredibly hard to explain that I can be so full of anxious thoughts, but so peaceful with the possible outcomes. Its a blessing however, because the chaos that my mind goes through can be calmed by the promises of God.

Second experience:

Less dramatic, but still a moment of amazement. I went to school for esthetics. It was over 11k for the program. My dad was so helpful and generous- he helped me with half the payment. I took out a school loan for the second half of the loan, and paid it back. I paid my half of my half of the loan back with the money I had saved, and I had about $400 dollars left to pay. I’m not exactly rolling in the dough right now, so the thought of having to still pay an additional 400 after the approx. 5,000 previously was a lot for me. Plus, if any of you know my dog enough, you know she is a vet bill with paws. So I knew paying off the 400 with the rest of my money would leave me dry and leave my dog in danger of not being taken care of (though I know my dad is kind enough to help).

A few weeks of saving went by, and I was content with the situation. I knew that I would be paying for a while, but at least it wasn't thousands of dollars anymore. One day I got a grant in the form of a check from my school for $450 dollars. I sat there in pure bliss. I paid off my loans and had money left over to help pay my dog’s vet bills that creeped up the following month. For a moment I was silent, then smiled, and thanked God for his provision.

See I knew He would provide, one way or another. If I had to pay it off paycheck by paycheck, I was okay with that. I knew God knew my circumstance, heard my prayers, and had my finances in His hands. The fact that I was given a check was an even bigger blessing than I deserved. The next month my dog had skin infections, running up the vet bill really high, really quick.

It may seem like coincidence, or small moments that don’t really matter, but in my heart I know it was God’s provisions.

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God doesn’t promise an easy life, riches, perfect happiness, but He does promise Himself, His love, grace, mercy, peace, hope, and salvation in His son Jesus.

In this world that disappoints time after time, where can we turn to for a constant, unchanging, help? Jesus.

Jesus is not a religion. He is a personable God who wants to give you His love. He is unchanging, eternal, loving, forgiving, and just.

What is stopping you from breaking down your wall and asking Him to show you what real love and peace is like? One that lasts for eternity.

So yes, I might worry every day that the smallest thing will be the death of me, but in my heart and soul I know I can dismiss those worries as temporary moments; as if they're just distractions, and rather focus on the eternal promises that Jesus has given me as His child.

I hope & and pray the same for you.